feeling small

for most of my life i've struggled with feeling small. small in the sense that i'm insignificant, weak, vulnerable. a lot of anxiety stems from others having the ability to take advantage of me, but then i take advantage of myself. i feel small when i think of college and careers and all the majors i have to sift through to find one that clicks with my morals and lifestyle. i never give myself a break, i do the best that i can and yet i tell myself it's not enough. i'm so anxious that i'll never find a job that supports me, my ambitions and my future dogs. in a family of doctors and a school of driven individuals, it seems like medical school is the only right path and yet it feels so wrong.

it feels wrong to work for such a huge life commitment when i'm not committed in the slightest. when i abandoned the idea of following in my moms footsteps i felt small and without direction. everything i had worked for up to that point, every class and medical workshop and hospital shadowing went crazy inside my head looking for reason and a path. i sulked over how i wasted so much time and i dreamed of the life i wanted to have.

i feel small all the time. i feel small next to mountains, they're terrifying, they're massive. they could crush me and my memories and all of the worries and anxieties i have unnecessarily built up. and yet i still climb them. it's a beautiful smallness when i'm on the rocky wall. every move reminds me that i'm stronger than i think- sure my muscles are the size of speed bumps but those speed bumps move mountains, they bring me to the top and they surpass everything i thought they'd be able to handle. when i'm on the wall i feel like a small part of something so much bigger than me. i feel like i fit perfectly in the cracks of the rocks to make a landscape so giant and serene and wonderful. when i'm on the wall i'm not worried about "wasted time" or future obstacles, i'm just in the moment trying to be safe and survive and have fun. and no matter how many times i fall i'm determined to try it again. no matter how many times a grade makes me doubt my abilities, i get on it anyway.

i realize that i feel so small in the present moment because i never spend any time there. my goal this upcoming year is to really enjoy the people in my life now, experience the opportunities i have now, and love the climb of it all. sometimes it will rain and the rocks will be wet and slimy and i'll fall a lot easier than i normally would, but that's how life goes and an easy climb isn't as much fun. i want to be present whether i'm on or off the mountain and i'll deal with all the future life decisions when i get there.

so a reminder: you are so much bigger than you think, you are a small individual but you are a part of this universe, give your energy to the present and live your best life. find joy in having that opportunity.